As people pass from childhood into their teen years and beyond, their bodies develop and change. So do their emotions and feelings.

Adolescence is a time of change

During the teen years, the hormonal and physical changes of puberty usually mean people start noticing an increase in sexual feelings. Every teen goes through this process in a unique way, and there is a wide range of ages at which teens start and complete this developmental process.  

It's common to wonder and sometimes worry about new sexual feelings.  

It takes time for many people to understand who they are and who they're becoming. Part of that involves better understanding of their own sexual feelings and who they are attracted to.  

For some people, these feelings and thoughts can be intense and seem confusing. That can be especially true for people who have romantic or sexual thoughts about someone who is the same sex they are. They might think, "What does that mean?" or "Am I gay?"

What is sexual orientation?

Sexual orientation is the emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction that a person feels toward another person.  

There are several types of sexual orientations, examples include:

Heterosexual

• People who are romantically and physically attracted to members of the opposite sex.
• Heterosexual males are attracted to females.
• Heterosexual females are attracted to males.  
• Heterosexuals are sometimes called "straight."

Homosexual

• People who are romantically and physically attracted to people of the same sex.
• Females who are attracted to other females are lesbian.  
• Males who are attracted to other males are often known as gay.  
• The term gay is sometimes used to describe homosexual individuals of either sex.

Bisexual

• People who are romantically and physically attracted to members of both sexes.

Pansexual

• People who experience sexual, romantic, physical, and/or spiritual attraction for members of all gender identities/expressions.

Asexual

• People who are asexual may not be interested in sex, but they still feel emotionally close to other people.

What is LGBT?

• You may see the letters "LGBT" or ("LGBTQ") used to describe sexual orientation. This abbreviation stands for "lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender" (or "lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning").
• Transgender isn't a sexual orientation — it's a gender identity.  
  • Gender is another word for male or female, and for some people they can feel a bit of both at the same time.  
  • Transgender people may have the body of one gender, but feel that they are the opposite gender, like they were born into the wrong type of body.
• People who are transgender are often grouped in with lesbian and gay as a way to include people who don't feel they fit into the category of being "straight"or into our current cultural  norms.

Do people choose their sexual orientation?

Why are some people straight and some people gay?  

• There is no simple answer to that.  
• Most medical experts, including those at the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the American Psychological Association (APA), believe that sexual orientation involves a complex mix of biology, psychology, and environmental factors.  
• Scientists also believe a person's genes and hormones play an important role.  
• Most medical experts believe that sexual orientation is just a natural part of who a person is.

There's nothing wrong about being LGBT. Still, not everyone believes that. These kinds of beliefs can make things difficult for LGBT children and teens.

If teens are not able to discuss their feelings with their medical providers and caregivers, they tend to feel rejected and are less likely to seek help.    

At what age do kids "know"?

• Knowing one's sexual orientation — whether straight or gay — is often something that people recognize from a very young age.  
• Some gay teens say they had same-sex crushes in childhood, just as their heterosexual peers had opposite-sex crushes.
• By middle school, many gay teens already recognize their sexual orientation, even if they have not revealed it to anyone else.  
• People who didn't realize they were gay at first often say that they always felt different from their peers but didn't exactly know why.
• Being interested in someone of the same sex does not necessarily mean that a person is gay.
• Being interested in someone of the opposite sex does not necessarily mean a person is straight either.
• It's common for teens to be attracted to or have sexual thoughts about people of the same sex and the opposite sex. Thinking sexually about both the same sex and the opposite sex is quite common as teens sort through their developing sexual feelings.  
• Some people might go beyond just thinking about it and experiment with sexual experiences with people of their own sex or of the opposite sex. These experiences, by themselves, do not necessarily mean that a person is gay or straight.  
• Despite gender stereotypes, masculine and feminine traits do not necessarily predict whether someone is straight or gay.

How gay teens might feel?

• Just like straight teens, gay teens may stress about school, grades, college, sports, activities, friends, and fitting in.
• Gay and lesbian teens often deal with an extra layer of stress like:  
  • whether they have to hide who they are
  • whether they will be harassed about being gay
  • whether they will face stereotypes or judgments if they are honest about who they are.  
  • Other teens may sense their confusion and gay teens tend to be targeted for bullying.
• They often feel different from their friends when the people around them start talking about romantic feelings, dating, and sex.  
  • It may feel like everyone is expected to be straight.  
  • They may feel like they have to pretend to feel things that they don't in order to fit in.  
  • They might feel they need to deny who they are or hide an important part of themselves.
• Many gay teens worry about whether they will be accepted or rejected by their loved ones, or whether people will feel upset, angry, or disappointed in them.  
  • These fears can lead some teens who aren't straight to keep their sexual orientation to themselves, even if they have friends and family who might be supportive.
  • Once aware, some teens may be quite comfortable and accept their sexuality. Others might find it confusing or difficult to accept.  
  • It can take time to process how they feel and to accept this aspect of their own identity before they reveal their sexual orientation to others.  
• Many decide to tell a few accepting, supportive friends and family members about their sexual orientation. This is called coming out.  
  • Teens may need to come out slowly to their entire family.  
  • For most people, coming out takes courage.  
  • In some situations, teens who are openly gay may risk facing more harassment than those who haven't revealed their sexual orientation.  
  • Many lesbian, gay, and bisexual teens who come out to their friends and families are fully accepted by them and their communities. They feel comfortable and secure about being attracted to people of the same gender.  
  • In a recent survey, teens who had come out reported feeling happier and less stressed than those who hadn't.

How parents might feel?

Adolescence is a time of transition not just for teens, but for their parents too.  

• Many parents face their teen's developing sexuality with a mix of confusion and worry.  
  • They may feel unprepared for this next stage of parenthood – and if their child is gay, it may bring a whole new set of questions and concerns.
  • Some parents are surprised to learn the truth, always having thought their child was straight.  
  • Others wonder whether the news is really true and whether their teen is sure.  
  • They might wonder if they did something to cause their child to be gay — but they shouldn't. There is no evidence that being gay is the result of the way that someone was raised.
• Fortunately, many parents are understanding and accepting right from the start.  
  • Some feel they have known all along, even before their teen came out to them.  
  • They often feel glad that their child chose to confide in them and are proud of their child for having the courage to tell them.
• Other parents feel upset, disappointed, or unable to accept their teen's sexual orientation at first.  
  • They may be concerned or worried about whether their child will be bullied, mistreated, or marginalized.  
  • They might feel protective - worrying that others might judge or reject their child.  
  • Some struggle to reconcile their teen's sexual orientation with their religious or personal beliefs.  
  • Sadly, some react with anger, hostility, or rejection.
• Many parents find that they just need time to adjust to the news.  
  • Support groups and other organizations can help.  
  • It can be reassuring to learn about openly gay people who lead happy and successful lives.
• With time, even parents who thought they couldn't possibly accept their teen's sexual orientation are surprised to find that they can reach a place of understanding.

The importance of talking

• For people of all sexual orientations, learning about sex and relationships can be difficult.  
• It can help to talk to someone about the confusing feelings that go with growing up. That person could be a parent or other family member, a close friend or sibling, or a school counselor.
• It's not always easy to find somebody to talk to. But many people find that talking to someone they trust (even if they're not completely sure how that person will react) turns out to be a positive experience.
• In many communities, youth groups can provide opportunities for LGBT teens to talk to others who are facing similar issues.  
• Psychologists, psychiatrists, pediatricians, nurse practitioners,  family doctors, and trained counselors can help teens cope — confidentially and privately — with the difficult feelings that go with their developing sexuality. They also help people find ways to deal with any peer pressure, harassment, or bullying they might face.
• Whether gay, straight, bisexual, or just not sure, almost everyone has questions about physically maturing and about sexual health — like if certain body changes are "normal," what's the right way to behave, or how to avoid sexually transmitted infections (STIs). It's important to find a doctor, nurse, counselor, or other knowledgeable adult to be able to discuss these issues with.

Beliefs Are Changing

In the United States, and throughout much of the world, attitudes about sexual orientation have been changing. Although not everyone is comfortable with the idea of different sexual orientations and there's still prejudice around, being gay is getting to be less of a "big deal" than it used to be.

This publication was adapted from information from education materials from Nemours TeensHealth by the CPCMG LGBTQ committee.

Reviewed by:  CPCMG LGBTQ committee, VN M.D, AR D.O. | 07/2024